I hardly know what to say ...

I have so many plans for life, yet I'm stagnate ... terrified to move one inch out of my carefully constructed comfort zone.  I am like a spoiled child and push things away until they're unavailable, and then that's all I want.     

On the other hand, today I mastered the French Twist.  So I have high hopes for tomorrow. 

Grieving

In the grieving process, some days are just harder than others.  Today was a hard day.  I don’t know if it was because of the fact that I was anticipating something special that didn’t happen or if it was because today was the first day that I really allowed myself to think of my grandmother’s death. 

My grandmother passed away Friday, April 18.  In the weeks leading up to her death, I dealt with a lot of anger.  She didn’t follow the doctor’s advisements.  She ate things that she wasn’t supposed to.  She basically did everything that she should not do and nothing that she should do.  I think that I felt that she was betraying us all by just giving up, and I was really mad at her for that.  But when I walked into the hospital room to say goodbye, I realized that she had been ready to go for so long.  She was ready to be with my mom.  I was able to let my anger go at that moment. 

In the whirlwind of the next few days, I tried to forget that I had lost another person in my life that I depended upon.   I feel as though I have so few people left in my life. 

So this is it . . .

I would like to say that this is where I began my journey, but it's not.  My journey began ten months ago.  I was drowning in my sorrows without thoughts of the future.  I was living from day to day, just surviving.  Ten months ago I woke up.  It has not been an easy ten months.  I have struggled more and cried more in the last 300 days than I did in the five years before that combined.  However, it's a different struggle with harder emotions, but I can see the sunshine now.  I know my future is a healthy one.  This is where I insure that I stay on the healthy path and don't sink down into the depths of despair again.  It's taken ten months to be comfortable enough with myself to even put into words my emotions.  This is the next step on my journey.  It's a difficult one.  It may possibly be harder than the beginning.  This is where I will visually see what I'm feeling.  As a visual person, this will be arduous.  I know that many more tears will be shed, but this is what I have to do . . . for me.

The Beginning

I have always had a hard time admitting my shortcomings, even to myself.  This is where I will attempt to rectify that.  The rules:

1.  I will not become too attached to anything I write.
2.  They will be random musings and mumblings.  They will be what I'm feeling now without thought of recourse or retribution.
3.  I will not regularly revisit what I have written.
4.  I will spend twenty minutes here.  No more, no less.
5.  This will be where I converse with myself, so that I can learn to be more open with others.

Hello

This is my story. I let my life spin completely out of my control, and now I'm on a journey to be me.